When Cougars Attack

Last weekend I was singled out by one of the most dangerous cougars; the 'visiting from out of town' cougar on the prowl.

We'll call her Rizzo for this story.

She stopped halfway down the hall and stared at me (as if she knew me). I thought she was joking because her 'seductive look' was way past melodramatic. She gets to me and tells me how nice looking I am.

She hugs me.

I thank her for being so friendly and quickly get their money and usher them into the bar.

She was with a friend who was clearly unhappy about coming into the bar and proceeded to leave unhappiness in her wake.

I proceeded to watch her dance (terribly) and to single out the few men that were not with dates and/or those who were too weak or slow to run from her.

Finally, her friend had enough and the cab was called. Rizzo made her way toward me in the awkward overstated seductive hip swaying movement. Eyes locked on me and says "Hi... shoulda known you were the best thing in here when I first walked in and now when I am leaving."



I tried not to laugh and smiled.

Rizzo proceeded to try, with claws out, to snare me. She is dancing in front of me seductively (which was like watching someone with motor control problems at a physical therapy session).

She leaned her back against the wall and says "I ate my way through Portland today... hummus, pitas, fries, lots of wine... LOTS of wine."

She then arches her back and slides her shoulders down the wall a bit (belly protruding outward). For a second I was in a panic that she was going to grab her own crotch but then her hand just sat on her belly and she says:

"That's right... I ate my way through Portland - Can you see it?"

I bust out laughing. I cannot tell you how ridiculous this whole scene is. At this point several of my coworkers are getting a good laugh. The cell phone captures are courtesy of one of them.

She takes my laughter as encouragement (apparently) and moves toward me.



She turns around and somehow parks her backside in my lap. I put both of my hands on either side of her hips as she tried to lean back into me and I politely moved her away from me.

She took the hands signal all wrong and tried to move my hands to her bottom. Thankfully her friend came in the door and said "Come on... the cab is HERE"



Rizzo turned around, hugged me, kissed my cheek and says "I have to go now... I am never coming back"

I say "Thanks for coming down to the bar and having fun dancing... have a safe trip"

Rizzo replies "You know... I am from California where girls are wild! Us California girls know how to have fun."

I say "I know... that's why I married one."

She kissed my cheek again and walked away, swaying those hips in a most odd way.

Good luck to you Rizzo.

Living with Autism - Part Five

When he gets hurt or sick...

This past week was challenging.

A word of warning... this is going to be descriptive and possibly alarming to some.

A little bit of background:
Sammy was first diagnosed with Hypotonia (low muscle tone) when he was wee (like 14 months old).

This affected many of his motor skills (he was floppy, could not hold his head up) but it also affected his digestive tract. He lacked the musculature to work things out the way everyone else does (we tend to not pay much attention to how 'automatic' things seem for the rest of us; regularity, use of the toilet, digestion in general).

At the end of last week Sammy was constipated. It got so bad that five days had passed and he had not had a bowel movement. Monday night is when all hell broke loose.

Sam was in agonizing pain. He could not sleep. Jen and I opted for a shift system this particular night. She would be with him from midnight to 3 AM and I would be with him from 3 AM on.

I held him and tried my best to comfort him through the night. Sam was only able to sleep in chunks of time that spanned about 15-20 minutes.

Every time he had the urge to push out what was blocking him, he would clinch his bum because it hurt. Add to this his crossing of the legs and you're at the impossible - getting a bowel movement out of an area that is impassable.

In addition to low muscle tone, Sam has inherited his Momma's fair sensitive skin. This is only being mentioned because it complicated the situation more through the development of a nasty diaper rash from the leaking (of what is essentially bile).

Finally, Sam was able to push some of his impacted rock hard poop out.

We were agonizing with Sam (at times it seemed that we were worse off than he was).

After a few days he was back to normal and we have returned to a hyper-vigilant mode of keeping track of things.

It always seems to much worse to watch your child suffer. Its more challenging when there is no language to communicate with your child. We end up having to take our best 'guess'. Sometimes we choose correctly, other times we're wrong.

The naughty side of things

Sometimes I see things.
I am an observer, an analyst, not a peeper or a creep (I think?).

There is a particular evening that was more wild than others. It was on this night that I observed 'her'.

She's blonde and in her mid 20's. My first impression, thinking back now, was that I thought she was attractive and that her confidence was kind of cool. Then I watched her over the months.

She made us notice her during the summer when she was blatantly suggestive/flirtatious with my co-worker and I. It's an accident when a woman's chest (hers is, well very large) rubs up against me and my co-worker once, but it has happened almost a dozen times now. It's totally NOT a turn on for either of us.

Add to this 'rubbing' her stares that remind me of those Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom episodes in the 70's where the hungry tiger is watching the gazelle on the prairie and is sneaking toward the prey with razor sharp claws at the ready to pounce and devour.

The icing on the cake has been in observing who she winds up with. This kind of makes me question why she sets her sights on me and the co-worker... since the guys are pretty much troglodytes.

Recently, she used her breasts in a very public display of distraction for a group of goofy intoxicated moronic fellas. Not only were they exposed but there was an incident where the slurring idiot whom she shot down earlier in the evening was invited to 'motor boat' her. I'm kind of giddy actually to be able to use the term on my blog.

My co-worker put an end to it with a stare of disapproval. It worked and she stopped.

This was just the beginning of the odd behavior on this night. It is just another observation of the strange things people do when they go out on the town for a night of drink and dancing.

I wonder what will happen next?