When Cougars Attack

Last weekend I was singled out by one of the most dangerous cougars; the 'visiting from out of town' cougar on the prowl.

We'll call her Rizzo for this story.

She stopped halfway down the hall and stared at me (as if she knew me). I thought she was joking because her 'seductive look' was way past melodramatic. She gets to me and tells me how nice looking I am.

She hugs me.

I thank her for being so friendly and quickly get their money and usher them into the bar.

She was with a friend who was clearly unhappy about coming into the bar and proceeded to leave unhappiness in her wake.

I proceeded to watch her dance (terribly) and to single out the few men that were not with dates and/or those who were too weak or slow to run from her.

Finally, her friend had enough and the cab was called. Rizzo made her way toward me in the awkward overstated seductive hip swaying movement. Eyes locked on me and says "Hi... shoulda known you were the best thing in here when I first walked in and now when I am leaving."



I tried not to laugh and smiled.

Rizzo proceeded to try, with claws out, to snare me. She is dancing in front of me seductively (which was like watching someone with motor control problems at a physical therapy session).

She leaned her back against the wall and says "I ate my way through Portland today... hummus, pitas, fries, lots of wine... LOTS of wine."

She then arches her back and slides her shoulders down the wall a bit (belly protruding outward). For a second I was in a panic that she was going to grab her own crotch but then her hand just sat on her belly and she says:

"That's right... I ate my way through Portland - Can you see it?"

I bust out laughing. I cannot tell you how ridiculous this whole scene is. At this point several of my coworkers are getting a good laugh. The cell phone captures are courtesy of one of them.

She takes my laughter as encouragement (apparently) and moves toward me.



She turns around and somehow parks her backside in my lap. I put both of my hands on either side of her hips as she tried to lean back into me and I politely moved her away from me.

She took the hands signal all wrong and tried to move my hands to her bottom. Thankfully her friend came in the door and said "Come on... the cab is HERE"



Rizzo turned around, hugged me, kissed my cheek and says "I have to go now... I am never coming back"

I say "Thanks for coming down to the bar and having fun dancing... have a safe trip"

Rizzo replies "You know... I am from California where girls are wild! Us California girls know how to have fun."

I say "I know... that's why I married one."

She kissed my cheek again and walked away, swaying those hips in a most odd way.

Good luck to you Rizzo.

Living with Autism - Part Five

When he gets hurt or sick...

This past week was challenging.

A word of warning... this is going to be descriptive and possibly alarming to some.

A little bit of background:
Sammy was first diagnosed with Hypotonia (low muscle tone) when he was wee (like 14 months old).

This affected many of his motor skills (he was floppy, could not hold his head up) but it also affected his digestive tract. He lacked the musculature to work things out the way everyone else does (we tend to not pay much attention to how 'automatic' things seem for the rest of us; regularity, use of the toilet, digestion in general).

At the end of last week Sammy was constipated. It got so bad that five days had passed and he had not had a bowel movement. Monday night is when all hell broke loose.

Sam was in agonizing pain. He could not sleep. Jen and I opted for a shift system this particular night. She would be with him from midnight to 3 AM and I would be with him from 3 AM on.

I held him and tried my best to comfort him through the night. Sam was only able to sleep in chunks of time that spanned about 15-20 minutes.

Every time he had the urge to push out what was blocking him, he would clinch his bum because it hurt. Add to this his crossing of the legs and you're at the impossible - getting a bowel movement out of an area that is impassable.

In addition to low muscle tone, Sam has inherited his Momma's fair sensitive skin. This is only being mentioned because it complicated the situation more through the development of a nasty diaper rash from the leaking (of what is essentially bile).

Finally, Sam was able to push some of his impacted rock hard poop out.

We were agonizing with Sam (at times it seemed that we were worse off than he was).

After a few days he was back to normal and we have returned to a hyper-vigilant mode of keeping track of things.

It always seems to much worse to watch your child suffer. Its more challenging when there is no language to communicate with your child. We end up having to take our best 'guess'. Sometimes we choose correctly, other times we're wrong.

The naughty side of things

Sometimes I see things.
I am an observer, an analyst, not a peeper or a creep (I think?).

There is a particular evening that was more wild than others. It was on this night that I observed 'her'.

She's blonde and in her mid 20's. My first impression, thinking back now, was that I thought she was attractive and that her confidence was kind of cool. Then I watched her over the months.

She made us notice her during the summer when she was blatantly suggestive/flirtatious with my co-worker and I. It's an accident when a woman's chest (hers is, well very large) rubs up against me and my co-worker once, but it has happened almost a dozen times now. It's totally NOT a turn on for either of us.

Add to this 'rubbing' her stares that remind me of those Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom episodes in the 70's where the hungry tiger is watching the gazelle on the prairie and is sneaking toward the prey with razor sharp claws at the ready to pounce and devour.

The icing on the cake has been in observing who she winds up with. This kind of makes me question why she sets her sights on me and the co-worker... since the guys are pretty much troglodytes.

Recently, she used her breasts in a very public display of distraction for a group of goofy intoxicated moronic fellas. Not only were they exposed but there was an incident where the slurring idiot whom she shot down earlier in the evening was invited to 'motor boat' her. I'm kind of giddy actually to be able to use the term on my blog.

My co-worker put an end to it with a stare of disapproval. It worked and she stopped.

This was just the beginning of the odd behavior on this night. It is just another observation of the strange things people do when they go out on the town for a night of drink and dancing.

I wonder what will happen next?

Living with Autism - Part Four

Communication:
How do you communicate with someone who is non-verbal?

I know that I take for granted something as simple as communication, often. Communication is such a vital part of how we exist in a community. Its everywhere from your own little family, circle of friends, co-workers, the general public, etc.

Sam has yet to officially speak any words. This is another reason (in an endless number of reasons) that we are watching Sam constantly during his waking hours.

Unofficially, Sam has said somewhere around a half dozen words. We have heard things that seemed to be used in context and are optimistic that they were actual words. At school he has also done the same thing but only on rare occasions. Whether he has or not, the day to day routine finds Jen and I in a communication funk with our boy.

We parents know our children pretty darn well. Observant and attentive parents have a knack for knowing what their kids need without having to communicate with them verbally (Parents: you know as a parent when your child is hungry, grumpy, not feeling well or may be on the verge of needing a restroom. You know when they are tired, bored, angry, crazy, etc. often you are able to discern their needs without using words)

It is only in the last year (of Sam being 4) that his communication skills have been evolving.


Here's an example of some things Sam uses to communicate:

Thirsty/Hungry:
Sam will go to the kitchen and get a cup out of the kids food/drink drawer (this drawer is filled with an assortment of plastic bowls, plates, and drink cups). If an adult is in the kitchen, he will get their attention (usually by reaching for their hand, grabbing it, then tugging the adult and cup to the fridge. He sets the cup against the fridge, or points with it, and makes sounds.

For food, it is much the same. When the snack cabinet ends up open (we keep all cabinets locked and closed ideally at all times but we have forgetful moments, as humans) we can find Sam picking through the assortment of foods in the cabinet.

Bedtime:
In recent months, Sam has really been active in communicating that it is bedtime by trotting back to the master bedroom, hopping into bed, pulling back the comforter, climbing into bed, pulling the comforter up to cover himself and really there are not many ways to misinterpret what he's after here.

Potty Time:
2010 will be the year we focus on the difficult task ahead of us. If you thought potty training was hard for your normally developing child think again. How do I explain what it is like to diaper a 4 year old child who has a penchant for being naked, pees on the floor or furniture, and who will treat his poop like playdough if given the opportunity?

Sam has been changing his communication lately to give us some hope here. He has, on many occasions, gone to the toilet and stood there (mimicking me) he also will sit for about 20 - 30 seconds on the potty seat. There is some promise here.

Wants/Needs:
Sam is very emotional. He is very loving and sweet and shows his affections with cuddling, hugging, and kissing. On the other end of the spectrum is Sam's wild side. When he gets manic he is in need of physical stimulus. He likes to wrestle and get very physical. If we are not fulfilling the right kind of physical exertion he needs it is common for Sam to set forth on a path of destruction. This can be very exhausting and emotionally draining. We often find ourselves spending a lot of time cleaning up spilled boxes of crackers or cereal, chewed up and spit out food, shredded magazines or newspapers. Nothing is safe regardless of the level of Sam-Proofing.

The coming new year finds both Jen and I feeling optimistic. We feel that Sam will continue to evolve as far as communication is concerned.

Living with Autism - Part Three

Fears:
Time keeps passing by. It seems to go faster and faster even when I consciously make attempts to slow down.

Sam will be 5 in April of 2010.

He will be ready for Kindergarten in the fall of 2010 by age, but nowhere near ready for Kindergarten.

Where will he go?
How will he be looked after when someone needs to be in supervision of him at all times?
How do Jen and I put our trust in someone we simply do not know?

These are questions we didn't really ask all that much when our daughter was making the transition from co-op preschool (where we had a hands on roll in observing her at school) to public school. Rationally, it is easy to come to the conclusion that she is much more capable of being on her own and communicating because she does not have autism. This is another example of how our daughter will be facing challenges in her own family because of the amount of energy it takes her mother and I to keep Sam safe.

We'll be embarking on the journey of finding out answers to these questions after the winter break. I wish that money were not such a huge hurdle for us only for the sake of having enough to send Sam to a specialized school or private school that is equipped to provide him with the kind of support and therapy that he needs.

Fear is an unfortunate companion in my life (I am sure in Jen's as well but I can't speak for her) when it comes to Sam.

I find myself the recipient of countless invitations from friends for a broad range of things from camping, boating, and hiking to parties, bbq's, and dinners. I have ti turn down nearly all of those invitations because my mind plays through a series of scenarios that involve Sam's safety and the amount of energy it takes for me to be with him the entire time (or for Jen).

Not only is it absolutely unreasonable to think that any place or anyone can have things set-up to accommodate Sam, but it is really no fun at all for either Jen or myself to be in a social situation and not be able to be social.

Its no wonder people eventually stop asking. It is very difficult for me because I am, at the core of my being, a social person. I love people and friends as well as the interactions with other adults from ALL walks of life. It is the sociologist in me that keeps this love of 'soaking it all in' alive.

The fear is real. Things like: Running in front of a moving car, cutting himself, electrocution via an electrical outlet, poisoning, the list goes on and on.

Even in our hyper vigilant home and constant monitoring of Sam we have stopped him from actions that are potentially fatal on many occasions. Each time we have to evolve further and adapt to prevent it from happening again.

Aside from the fears in the injury department, there are fears that I keep at stuffed down deep that surface once in a while. These are fears about the future.

Here's a tiny glimpse of some fearful questions and such:

Q: What if I died suddenly and unexpectedly?
A: It would be impossible for Jen to raise the kids alone. Sam would be without me. This thought does not usually surface.

Q: What if Jen were to die suddenly and unexpectedly?
A: Like the thought of my death, this would be the death of me in so many ways. I would also be faced with an impossible task. Like my own death, this one rarely surfaces in order to help me cope with the rest of life with less panic.

Q: Will Sam ever speak? Will he ever be able to communicate?
A: I think he is on the verge of big leaps into communication now. It still could be that he will never effectively communicate though to anyone but those who know him well.

Q: What if Sam wanders off?
A: This would possibly be the most catastrophic thing ever. With no communication ability, no sense of safety... This one stops here because writing it freaks me out.

Q: Will Sam ever experience things like driving, dating, love, going to a school dance, etc.
A: Only time will tell.

Living with Autism - Part Two

Routines(part two):
Before I embark on this post, I wanted to mention that the photos you see here in my blog have been taken by my amazingly talented and wildly successful artist of a wife. A professional photographer in Portland, Oregon who specializes in natural light photography of families, babies, children, pregnant women, occasional weddings and more. You can check her site out HERE

Now, I'll get on with it already!

I believe that one of the things that affects our lives each day (adults I suppose) that we take for granted is our routines. Sure, some of us celebrate them or certain aspects of them; morning paper, cup of coffee or tea, listening to a radio show, going to the same coffee shop, etc.



While we celebrate these aspects of our own routines, I have become hyper-aware of our how I have taken for granted my creature comforts found in 'routines' and how our own family routines are essential to Sam's development. I am confident when I say that I think that both Jen and I are this way.

Since Sam returned to school this Fall, I have watched him hold on tightly to routines and make them vital to his day. Lately things have been evolving as Sam seems to be forming more of his own opinion on these routines (independence).

On Monday, Wednesday and Thursday Sam gets up in the morning and runs out to the family room for some PBS Kids Television. The sound of his thumping little feet makes me happy. Jen and I swoop in to orchestrate this elaborate dance of getting lunch made, breakfast in both Zoe and Sam, and in no time we've got kids clothes on them and making the push out the door and off to school.

I take both kids to school in the morning often. This has allowed me to see how Sam has been grasping, little by little, at more independence. He has gone from being very clingy and wanting to be carried through the river of kids and parents pouring through the corridor at school to insisting that he walk on his own (but refuses to break connection with me or Jen by either holding onto pants, pockets, or leaning into our leg).

Sam has also been changing his routine when he gets into the classroom. Previously, he would require lots of help getting his backpack, coat, etc. situated in his cubby. Now he insists on hanging his own things up.

When I pick Sam up from school lately, I have been letting him walk to the car. I would never have done this a few months back (fearing that he may run straight into the street).


On several occasions (over the past month) Sam and I have been going out to lunch together. He really enjoys doing this with me and we really tend to have a delightful time with each other.

If we go home rather than going out, Sam knows that it is time for Lunch at his little table and he gets to watch Sesame Street. He will come in, take off his shoes, backpack, coat, etc. and he marches over to the little table (one of those bed tables with folding legs) to set it up.

It's pretty sweet to watch him do this with such joy.

Afternoons are one area where routines seem to be lacking. I feel that I need to come up with some new creative solutions there.

We do little things here and there; wrestle, look at books, a movie or recorded show like 'Bear in the Big Blue House'. In warm weather Sam prefers to be in the back yard which is a 'no brainer' but winter puts that play on hold.

We soon arrive at dinner time. This is a routine that seems to be very challenging. Sam does not like to sit still. We battle with him continually to sit, return to the table, or to get off the table.


After dinner comes bedtime. Sam really enjoys this routine (for the most part). Nearly every night I take him to bed. He prefers to have his blanket, a drink of rice milk in a sippy cup, and a pacifier (which we call Phigh Phigh - a word that Zoe created when she was a toddler).

This is the only time that I sing anymore. I am not sure why Sam is the recipient of this rare gift, but he loves it and shows it by signing 'more' and by hand clapping.

When Sam is restless I have been resorting to applying pressure through squeezing him tight (but not too tight), massaging him, compressing his joints (arms and legs) and sometimes I have to lay on top of him (not with my full weight of course, just so that I am on my hands and knees and lower down to help compress him and slow him down a bit.

Most nights it takes about 25 minutes to get him to sleep. On good nights it is 10 minutes and on bad nights it can be more than an hour.

This routine has been going on for a couple of years now (ever since Sam was able to escape from his crib). I expect for it to continue for some time to come. I have come to find myself in love with this time more than feeling burdened by it. The bad nights however, can be very exasperating and trying on the 'love' in this process.

Because of the importance in these routines I have begun to appreciate the things I enjoy more (reading the paper, coffee, breakfast dates with Jen, dropping kids off at school, homework with Zoe, and the list goes on).

Living with Autism - Part One

Sam is 4.
Sam is cute, sweet, loving, emotional, curious, intelligent, flirtatious... These are words that just barely scrape the surface of what makes Sam.

Every day my wife and I are faced with the challenge of being his parents. I cannot explain what this is like really. Very few people have been able to understand what we're faced with in any given 24 hour period. Recently my Mother stayed with us for a month and really had a better idea what life was like for us. I think it changed her life to see just what kind of work goes into life for us.

I have been going through an internal process of organizing the things that have been heavy on my mind lately. In doing so, I have become more aware of my feelings in regard to having a child with special needs (as well as in my life in general). With this realization I have unearthed a host of things that have become almost hypersensitive; compassion, empathy, fear, anger, confidence, intolerance of the intolerant, measuring my life against the perceived lives of others...

I am going to share (thoughts) with you over the next few months as well as these observations of myself.



OBSERVATIONS - Part One - (thinking of others: intolerance/empathy/compassion):

With the increase in children with Autism, and really with special needs in general, spanning the entire spectrum (from severe to highly functioning) you might think that people would show signs of pulling their heads out of their asses when in public places.

Sadly, I fear that is not the case. There are plenty of times when my patience is put to the test and only on very very rare occasions to I confront people.


You're the person who seems to forget that at one time you were a child. A snot nosed obnoxious loud misbehaved little human being. You are the one who gives me the annoyed look when my child(ren) are singing in the store. You're the person who looks at me with contempt because I don't stop my son from hooting down the aisles of the grocery store that is shoving some of the worlds worst music into your precious eardrums.

I ask you this... At what point in your life did you make the transition to being so damn sour?

I have come to find solace in people who are the opposite; empathetic, kind hearted, compassionate moms, dads, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Often times there is a knowing glance or a smile that soothes me. I especially enjoy radiating my kindness right back to the folks who are in this supportive group of people.

The biggest challenge that I face with the people that are intolerant is that it has caused a great deal of anxiety for me.

This anxiety has caused a bit of friction between Jen and I. It often leads me to decisions (such as whether to go to 'X' or to 'Y' for dinner, or to get groceries, etc.) based on some level of potential discomfort and anger that I might feel. These things are based on my assumption of what is likely to happen. Built on a foundation of previous experiences, this is a fucked up and stupid thing. I'll put it on the 'to do' list for future therapy.

What I try to do is be as 'real' with folks as I can. I apply this to strangers and friends alike. I think it is a trait that is suiting me well in my night time occupation at the bar. I get a lot of great feedback from people and I am the first to admit that I am always starving for validation. I also am very aware that I am sometimes intolerant too. It's human. I do try to always remember that when encountering someone who just simply rubs me the wrong way.

I don't have advice for adults who are steeped in the foul stench of complete intolerance. I kind of think that once you reach a certain age you're cured like concrete. I suppose there are rare occasions where people do ride the epiphany wave once they have had eye opening experiences (i.e. my Mom staying here for a month).

Feel free to seek me out and spend some time with me and the kids. Just a couple of hours will give you a glimpse into Sam's world and it never hurts to see how powerful Zoë's love for her brother is.